


Yay, I Died

by RosevJack



Series: Yay, I Died [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Original Work
Genre: AVPM References, Indian Harry Potter, My First Work in This Fandom, Swearing, The Gamer Ability (The Gamer), things go well because fuck you thats why
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:01:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26676364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosevJack/pseuds/RosevJack
Summary: Congratulations! you Diedgreat now I have to live in the harry potter canon
Series: Yay, I Died [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2030137
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	1. Well Fuck

**Congratulations!  
You Died!**  
There was confetti and air horns and glitter 

It wasn't great, and i said with all of my feeling as a disembodied ghost thing

‘Well fuck’

 **For the amusement of the gods you have been chosen  
To be a gamer**  
‘Yayy’

 **You will choose a lot of who you are but some will be chosen for you.  
Maybe later you may choose your race.**  
**You may now choose some of your attributes.**

Suddenly I had my old body and a mirror in front of me. There was a screen to my left that said **“save this body? Depending on your choices you may or may not change this later. (probably not)** and then two button things saying “ **sure bro** ” and “ **original body** ”.  
I dicked around with this thing a bit (can't make myself a black or asian or whatever, probably for the best), made my head really big or my nose gigantic but it didn't feel right making a Sims monster so i just did my OG body and made myself a bit strange, like heterochromia with my left eye deep purple and my right eye golden yellow and making my teeth a smidge sharper.  
Just a bit of fun and passable as a human being. Perfect  
So I pressed “ **sure bro** ” to see what would come next.

**Great!  
Now choose your stats!  
You have 25 points!  
Str  
Con  
Dex  
Int  
Wis  
Luck**

Now this sucks, I reckon I'll just level it up once I get outta this void but i'll choose uhhh . . . this!  
**Str 4  
Con 5  
Dex 4  
Int 3  
Wis 4  
Luck 5**

That's fair enough right?  
**Yay! Now Perks**.

Yay indeed!  
**[4+3* points:]  
[* from Autistic]**

****

****

**[-8 = Metamorphagus]  
[-6 = Animagus]  
[-4 = Parseltongue]  
[-4 = Seer]  
[-3 = Natural Legimens]  
[-2 = Natural Occlumens]  
[-1 = extra power]  
[-2 you are the character of your choosing]**

Oh huh I'm still autistic . . . and aren't those all from Harry potter?

**Correct! You are going to the Harry Potter Universe  
Because those are always fun.**

**Disabilities! Choose one  
{+3 = Autistic}  
{OCD +2}  
{Legs don't work + 5}  
{werewolf +6}  
{less power +1}  
{blind + 3}  
{deaf + 3}  
{glasses +1}**

These kinda suck but i guess disabilities do, and if i was neurotypical i would be kinda weirded out by suddenly being disabled or thinking differently, so for perks i’m gonna choose Parseltongue, extra power and character of my choosing.  
It gives me a list of all the Harry potter characters, even the minor ones or even Grindelwald! But I wanna be an original character. Maybe the gods would have just randomized this. That’s a terrifying thought.  
A small screen shows up then disappears in about 5 seconds.  
**;)**  
I'm glad I chose that perk.

**Next is your standing!  
Choose your “blood purity”  
Old Pureblood (wankers)  
New Pureblood (great grans a muggle)  
Blood Traitors (the weasleys)  
Half-blood (they're people)  
Muggle born (New people)  
Half-creature (people will be racist)**

Half blood. Best of both worlds.  
**That's it!**

****

**Alex King**

****

**Str 4  
Con 5  
Dex 4  
Int 3  
Wis 4  
Luck 5**

****

**Perks  
Parseltongue, Extra Power, Cha of my cho  
Disabilities  
Autistic**


	2. Happy Birthday!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a baby!  
> bolded for system  
> italics for parseltongue

And then I was in a wet sack. It was very weird, I couldn't see anything, I could hear some things.  
A lot of yelling?  
And it was bumpy but the lining of my sack was soft.  
Oh no.  
Is this birth?  
Ah fuck.  
Well if this is birth I gotta get outta here.

AFTER BIRTH

Well, the last 8 hours were horrifying but now I'm all wrapped up and comfy and warm and full and. . .  
**Happy birthday!**  
**The gods will now lock your gamer powers and timeskip until you are three and then unlock them and you will be on your way!**

Wait what?  
WHOA!!!  
I just got fast forwarded three years, that's fun but i probably missed out on a bunch of information!

**Oh I'm sorry would you like to fester in your own shit?  
Or actually be doing things?**

Hold on, that's fair. Thanks O Benevolent Gods! Now to find out what's going on. . .

So I am Alex King (level 1) my mum (level 10) was using magic and my dad (level 5) wasn't, we live at Merlin way in Little Whinging, Surrey (that seems familiar?). My birthday is today, the 31 of October (yikes for the wizarding world, but yay my original birthday) and we're going to the park!  
Fun times!  
So we went to the park, had a fun time, we had sandwiches and I went exploring while playing around with my new gamer powers. I have an **Inventory, Map, Skill Screen** and a **Character Screen**. I'll explore more of my powers later. I found a snake (level 3) and tried to talk to it to see if I had my parseltongue ability.  
_‘Hey dude!’_ I said with my child tongue, and it replied _‘hello hatchling’  
‘Oh yay I can talk to you! Whatcha doing?’  
‘I am hunting for food and then trying to find a sunny spot for a nap’  
I can help!  
‘Um I know place where you won't be found and sunny’_  
I looked up and there was a skinny indian kid (level 2) with big clothes and a distinctive branching lightning bolt scar on his forehead.  
I now know why little whinging surrey is so familiar now.  
And apparently we’re going by some headcanony things.  
I quickly shelved that to be excited about at a later date. I quickly grabbed his hand and said _‘ok! Come on!’_  
While we ran to the picnic I tried to create the Observe skill.  
**Observe skill created!**  
Yes!  
**Name: Harry Potter  
HP:120  
MP:20  
It's Harry freakin’ Potter! **  
Huh, neat.  
I would introduce him to my parents, but first I had to feed him. I quickly passed him a sandwich, sat down and said ‘eat that, I’m Alex what's your name?’ he replied quietly ‘um, I’m boy’  
‘That can't be your name, that's a gender!’  
‘uh, ok’  
‘Once you finish that we’re going to your parents and asking’  
‘Mm my parents are dead’  
‘Well that sucks. . . we’ll ask your caregivers then!’  
I waited for Harry to finish his sandwich then took some and put it in my inventory for the snake and got up ‘come on then! Let's go!’ Harry looked kinda scared, so I explained ‘you’re probably wondering how I did that, yeah?’ i looked over and he nodded ‘well I have a special power so I can do that and a lot more! I'll use it to help you!’  
Harry thought a bit then said ‘ok’


	3. Observe

‘So! Where are your aunt and uncle?’  
Harry silently walked towards one of the tables and there they were. The Dursleys. The people themselves. I quickly breathed out an ‘observe’ and surprisingly it did it as a family!  
**The Dursleys  
Vernon Dursley (level 6)  
Hp: 300  
Mp: 10  
Petunia Dursley (level 4)  
Hp: 220  
Mp: 15  
Dudley Dursley ( level 1)  
Hp: 130  
Mp: 7  
Underneath these stairs  
I hear the sneers and feel the glares of  
My cousin, my uncle and my aunt**

**Observe Leveled Up!  
You can now see remaining health!**

Cool! I'll check that out later. But now. . . ‘Hi! I’m Alex! What's his name?’ I say while pointing to harry. The Dursleys notice my eyes and flinch. petunia says ‘its Harry’ rather pinched  
‘Oh! That's a nice name Harry! Oh, what's your name?’ looking at Dudley there, he seems weirded out by me and that Harry's name isn't freak or boy. He says to his parents rather dumbly ‘thought his name Freak?’  
Just as Vernon tried to shush him I said ‘Hey! That's not very nice! Why do you think that is?’ Dudley goes on headstrong ‘what dad says’ i smile inwardly and yell a bit loudly towards the other families ‘What! You call your lovely nephew FREAK! That's not normal! Well! Dudley, as long as you don't call Harry boy or freak, you can play with us! As long as that's ok with your beautiful mother?’ quieting down towards the end there and trying to bat my eyes cutely.  
Petunia is dumbfounded. ‘Uhhhh’  
My toddler self shall take it as a yes. ‘Yayyy! Come on Dudley!’

We played on the playground for a while (my Con stat went from 5 to 6!) and Dudley only pushed Harry once but with a telling off from me they didn't do it for the rest of the afternoon.  
It was fun pretending to be a small child.  
While we played I was **Observing** everything and it levelled from 2 to 4, but towards the end of playtime I **Observed** Harry again and it wasn't great.  
**Name: Harry Potter  
HP:120 (55)  
MP:20  
Str 1  
Con 2  
Dex 3  
Int 3  
Wis 5  
Luck 14  
It's Harry freakin’ Potter!**  
Wow, he's very very lucky! But he's got less than half health. . . I wanna try Episky!  
‘Harry come over here, I wanna try something!’ Harry came over smiling. It's great that he's having a fun time!  
‘Ok! So I'm just gonna. . .’ I try to gather my power and put it in my hand then out to harry, ‘Episkey!’ then a very small yellow light goes out of my hand and onto harry.  
‘Does that feel better?’  
‘Uhh . . yeah!’  
I observe him again and his health is up to 70! ‘Do you want me to do it again?’ Harry replies ‘no thank you’ then we play a bit more, a bit later my mum walks up and says it's time to go home. I am definitely okay with that. I say bye to the boys and I walk up to Petunia with my mum in tow and say ‘thanks for letting Harry and Ley play with me! I want to play with them again, it would be great if we could have a playdate, mum!’ I then walk back to dad and get ready to go home and have a nap.


	4. CONSUME

After my nap I wake up and eat some food and to sit down and plan and go through my **system**.  
So I have an **inventory** , there's nothing in there at the moment but very useful. I have a **map** , the park is filled in and the house is as well.  
The **skill screen** has **Gamers body** , **Gamers mind** and **observe** , useful stuff!  
The **character screen** has my **stats** , my name, my perks and that I'm autistic.  
So for the future it's good that I have a bunch of skills, and to get skills I either make them or read books.  
So time to steal things from the household. It's a bit hard to grab them from shelves but I get there in the end. I grab them then walk out of Mums vision.  
There's The standard book of spells and A Beginners Guide to transfiguration and all the first year books so I yoink them and consume them.  
**Magic Skill (Active & Passive) LV:10  
Can do some spells without a wand for lower power.  
Spells: Alohomora, Colloportus, Wingardium Leviosa, Incendio, Diffindo, Reparo, Spongify, Episky, Red Sparks, Green Sparks, Lumos, Nox, Flipendo, Reparifarge**  
Ooh! Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them! And the defence book has some stuff too!  
**Observe (Active) LV:5  
Nows gives some information on magical creatures**

 **From Reading A History Of Magic By Bathilda Bagshot  
Your INT Has Gone Up By 10**  
That book is very boring but it increased my INT by three times so. . . win some, lose some.  
**By Reading 1000 Herbs And Fungi And Magical Drafts and Potions  
You Got The Potions Skill  
Potions (Passive) LV:5  
You can prepare potion ingredients pretty good!**  
Mm, all these books are making me tired, so I eat lunch and have a nap. A couple of hours later once I wake up I just start fucking thinking. So I definitely have parseltongue wouldn't it be rad to have a basilisk? You just have to put a toad on top of a chicken egg. And I know from fantastic beasts it's definitely illegal but what would happen if it was a quail egg? Would it be a smaller basilisk? This is definitely something to research later.  
So I just fucking chill out. Tomorrow we've got childcare so that'll be fun and a new experience. Dudley will maybe be there but I'm not sure, Harry probably won't be there but i'll make sure to teach Ley a bit of niceness.


	5. Childcare

Yay! Childcare! The same as kindergarten but a different word. We get in the car and we go. It's a medium-sized building with a _large_ yard with some monkey bars, swings, a couple of other toys, and a small flying fox! It's awesome! We go in and there's a bunch of Halloween decorations and other kids playing with a bunch of stuff! i'm not gonna list them because its a _lot_ of stuff.  
  
I have a teary goodbye with mum and dad (on the parent side). I'll always love my OG mum and dad but these are my new ones and they're pretty ok. I run off to see the situation, and it's not great. It's Dudley being mean to a _lot_ of kids (most of them seem not white or middle class or male or neurodivergent) and the kids seem used to it. That's not gonna fly.  
  
‘Hey Dudley! Stop picking on them!’  
‘Why?’  
‘Cos it's mean.’  
‘Why?’  
‘Cos they prolly don't like it’  
‘Why?’  
‘Would you like if someone picked on you?’  
‘But I would push him and then he wouldn't.’  
‘Well if you pick on them then I'll push you.’  
Dudley then purses his lips in that pinched way that Petunia does. It looks a bit strange on him but it's probably one of the only things he picked up from her. I then say ‘look, if you're thinking about it that hard, tell me at the end of the day.’ I swivel on my foot and walk towards where Petunia is gossiping with other mothers of the suburb. ‘Hiya Mrs Dursley!’ I say with such enthusiasm completely ignoring the shade about the emotional abuse towards her nephew I sent her way at the park.  
‘Where's Harry?’ She kinda flinches at his name and replies how I imagine opposing popular girls in american highschool movies who kinda hate each other but are barely polite to each other, talk to each other.  
‘Oh! Hii Alex. Harry is with Vernon at home right now. He doesn't like people.’  
I keep it going.  
  
‘Oh? But yesterday at the park he walked right up to me? Maybe I'm destined to be his best friend! I hope he can make lots of friends! Anyway, can I go to your house for a playdate after kinder? My mum said it's ok!’  
I'm calling her bluff. I never asked mum.  
  
‘Oh but this is on such short notice! We’ll have to clean up! Maybe tomorrow?’  
‘Ok! Bye Mrs Dursley! Bye Mrs Dursleys friends!’ I leave but listen in on the following conversation.  
‘Awww, what a cute kid!’  
‘Strange heterochromia though’  
‘Petunia, who's Harry though?’  
‘Oh it's my nephew, he really doesn't like a lot of people so he doesn't go to childcare.’  
‘Aww, you must show us a picture of him!  
‘Ok, I'll bring some in a couple of days.’  
  
Hah, she doesn't have any. Harry will be a bit confused about the sudden photo shoot but messing with Petunia is fun. The parents leave and not much goes on for the rest of the day. The adults seem a bit surprised that Dudley is so quiet, and they saw what I told him at the start of the day so I think they like me but are slightly unnerved by my good words.  
By break Dudley seems to have made up his mind. ‘Alex? I want to be your friend!’ he says a bit loudly like he's trying to convince me. I replied ‘Great! Let's go play with the blocks!’. We go and the kids have a great time and I have a decent time. By the end of the day, Dudleys group has enlarged from only Piers to Piers, me and some other kids called Sarah and Miguel.  
  
My mum shows up and I go straight over there and hug her. ‘Hey, mum? Can I go over to Dudley and Harry's house tomorrow? Mrs Dursley said it's ok!’ she seems a bit surprised but says ‘sure kiddo! Where's their house?’  
‘Number 4 Privet Drive!’  
‘Ok I'll just go and talk to Mrs Dursley and finalise the details’  
She walks over and starts talking to petunia. I walk over as well and it's going great.  
It's planned.  
I'm gonna cause so much shit.


	6. Playdate!

So, unfortunately, the playdate is pushed back due to a business meeting of Vernons so that sucks. Though I do hear some stuff.  
My parents have put me to bed but i have a _brilliant_ idea of sneaking around.

**Stealth (Passive) LV: 1  
Don't be suspicious!  
Don't be suspicious! **

Huh, neat.  
But then I hear a weird conversation between my parents. ‘It's a little bit strange that for ages, Alex doesn't talk but they wake up and boom! Suddenly, “do we have any nutella?”’. My mum sounds stressed and how did I miss it if they were surprised? I need to pay more attention.  
‘Sweetie, it's ok. The paediatrician said that some kids take longer to talk than others. Honestly, I thought this was a magic thing but it's just a kid thing. Alex will be fine.’  
‘But I was just so worried! And suddenly lots of whole fucking sentences!’  
And then. . . _ping!_

**Stealth (Passive) LV: 2  
Don't be suspicious!  
Don't be suspicious! **

I jump and knock over something really loud. My parents then put me back to bed and I think about being a normal child. But nah, sorry mum and dad. Being a bastard is way more fun.

I'm really excited for after daycare. What will the house be like? Will they treat Harry better when I'm there? Where's Harry sleeping? Exciting things! Finally it's after daycare so Ley and I are really excited. ‘When do you think mum is getting here?’ Ley says. ‘I dunno, but this is gonna be so fun! And I get to see harry!’. Dudley seems a bit upset by this and I say ‘Ley, you and Harry are both my friends, and you've got to get past that’. He seems a bit less upset now but I'll work on it.

Then Petunia walks up and we both break into great big smiles (for different reasons). ‘Hello, Mrs Dursley!’. ‘Hiya Mum!’ we say, she responds with ‘hi kids!’ with a tone towards me that's like if you hate your partner but they're calling you but you hope someone found a phone on a body and then it's their voice (y'know that tone?) and with a watery fucking smile.

I respond by throwing my arms up and yelling ‘let's go!!’ and lo and behold. . .we go.  
Once we're at their house it is _exactly_ like the movies. I don't know a lot about the 80s but this is a decent house. Vernon isn't at home yet from Grunnings it looks like so this is the time to poke holes in Petunias lies.

‘Mrs Dursley?’  
‘Oh call me Petunia, Alex’  
A golden fucking opportunity has fallen into my lap.

‘Pet. . . petoon. . tooniya . . tun. .Tuney!’  
I look eagerly because I’m _so pwoud of mwyself_ but inside I'm grinning like the Cheshire Cat. She flinches and walks toward the house, but I'm not done yet.  
‘Wheres Mr Dursley?’  
She's so distracted by the Tuney thing that she answers without thinking.  
‘Oh, he's at work.’  
‘But then who's looking after harry? You said he was looking after Harry a couple of days ago to Mrs Polkiss and the other mums.’

‘Oh, Mrs Figg was looking after him. She's very helpful.’ ah fuck I forgot about her.  
‘Oh.’ Then we’re in. ‘HARRY!! I’M HERE!!’ i look up at Petunia and say ‘where's Harry's room?’  
‘Oh Dudley can show you’  
We run up to Harry's room. It's really basic and very obvious that Harry just moved in here. Harry seems happier and we play like toddlers for a bit. I don't know what to say about it, I keep watching Ley and he's acting nice and he tells me that this used to be a guest room and that Harry used to sleep under the stairs.  
‘Harry. Did you like sleeping under the stairs?’  
‘It was ok’ Harry is speaking a bit bolder so that's good.  
‘But did you _like_ it?’  
‘Mmm, there wasn't any light in there’  
‘Harry, you deserve comfortable things. Are you hungry? It's dinner time. Let's go eat.’

We have a delicious dinner of roast beef sandwiches and _greasy_ chips. Harry seems very uncomfortable at the table eating with everyone but he's eating well. Before I eventually go home I check out under the stairs. It's pretty small even to my three-year-old body. There's a shitty yoga mat for a mattress and considering there's nothing in Harry's room upstairs it paints a picture of Harry literally _having_ nothing, not even some shitty army men. I need to get Harry something for Christmas.


	7. 3 to 5

I convinced my parents to get Harry and Dudley matching dragon plushies for Christmas while we went to Grandma and Grandpa Blishwicks. So my full name is Alex Preternatural Blishwick King. While we were there I learnt that we have a family wizengamot seat and that Jimbo Blishwick (my whatever grandpa) married a Misapinoa Black, that was the aunt of Phineas Nigellus Black (the headmaster guy). so I thought that was pretty neat. And I got a couple of cool presents! Life goes on after that. In January, I go over to the Dursleys' house a couple of times a week so Harry gets fed. I met Mr Dursley and he is a horrible man. He is racist, homophobic and sexist. He sucks. And! Harry's HP is consistently down so Vernon is definitely abusing Harry. Dudley ripped Harry's dragon's head off so I told Petunia to tell him off and that actually worked! Ley cried a bit but I couldn't tell if it was fake so I said that ‘it's ok, as long as you don't break anything of harry's ever again’ after I asked if Harry wanted a new one or wanted this one to be fixed.  
He wanted this one to be fixed because he loved it and didn't want to throw it away because it was broken. So cute! So i take it for a day and fix it up with **Draconis Reparo** and since i got a sewing book in November, ( **Sewing LV: 7** babyy) i sew a lightning bolt on the dragons forehead. Once I gave it back to him he seemed really happy.  
We chill out and there's not much to say about the toddler years, though I do unfortunately get a lot of practice with _Episky_ (fuck you Vernon) so my Magic gets up to level 12. Suddenly it's June and it's Leys birthday! The 23d of the month. I don't really know what to get him but maybe my company will be enough.  
We went to the cinema and Harry came along! We watched Mickey's Christmas Carol, a 1983 release. It was ok.

Then there was Harry's birthday. For this, I made pork buns for him. Those are always delicious. After Harry's birthday, I realized that I could technically teleport using **Create ID**. So I have to level that up. Soon it's October. When it was my birthday I got that skill up to level 8. I’ll keep levelling that up cos you can't apparate in Hogwarts but you can walk in a different dimension. It's Halloween and my birthday and we go trick or treating! I go as a witch but I don't do anything special like a black hat or robes. I just yell ‘I'M A WITCH!!’ as loud as I can to Petunias ire. We get an absolute HAUL! I don't carry anything due to my inventory but I don't think Harry got anything due to Petunia forcing him to give it to Ley.  
Things go on, there's not much to say. This is my stats and skills thing.

**Alex Blishwick King  
Str 6  
Con 8  
Dex 6  
Int 13  
Wis 7  
Luck 7  
Observe (Active) LV: 5  
When Observing Magical animals additional information is given  
Magic Skill (Active & Passive) LV:10  
Can do some spells without a wand for lower power.  
Spells: Alohomora, Colloportus, Wingardium Leviosa, Incendio, Diffindo, Reparo, Spongify, Episky, Red Sparks, Green Sparks, Lumos, Nox, Flipendo, Reparifarge  
Potions (Passive) LV:5  
You can prepare potion ingredients pretty good!  
Create and Escape ID (Active) LV: 8  
Stealth (Passive) LV: 4  
The more you level it the more you cant be seen  
Don't be suspicious!  
Don't be suspicious!  
Sewing (Passive) LV: 7  
It's sewing. You sew good. **

Everything is a little boring until school. 


	8. A Small Bit Of School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I uh didn't know what to write here and everything will probably be easier once we're at Hogwarts

Soon we all go to school. This is gonna be new, and maybe fun. It's gonna be easy though. . . I reckon I'll just see what's fun, do that and otherwise just exist there. Maybe I could try occlumency! My mum gives me a backpack but I just open the inventory screen in there.  
We drive to school and the first day isn't too fun but I try to take care of Harry since he is actually going there. We have a nap time and that's nice. I get bored pretty quick though so I do try meditating.

**Meditation LV: 1 (Passive)  
Gets MP back quicker and chills you out. **

Nice.  
The next couple of months are basically the same. We go to school, I chill out and do fun things, on tests I ace 'em and I help my “peers” while practising meditation. Eventually, the school gets chicken eggs for my class! This is the best ever. I try to convince my teachers to put a toad on an egg to make a basilisk but they are unconvinced. So for the next couple of weeks, I sit next to the egg incubator and watch. The chicks when they hatch are really cute.  
A couple of months later I asked mum to stop driving me to and from school so I could go with Ley and Harry cos it was just a couple blocks and she said yes! Yay, the 80s!  
Over the years I make so that Ley isn't a dick, and feeding Harry up so that he isn't very very small. I convinced Ley to do boxing early just for shits and giggles. I don't know how to narrate schooling so I'm gonna skip it. Stuff goes pretty well. Though I don't know how much of this world is headcanon to canon. Because there is a lot of different headcanons like, does snape want to be friends with or fuck Harry's mum? Is dumbledore a dickhead or just dumb? Is everyone on potions or what? Fuck knows.


	9. The Vanishing Glass

I always thought it was weird for people whose birthday was after September 1st, like if their birthday was September 2nd would they get on the train being ten or would they get their letter or would they get their letter on the first day of summer break?

I haven't got my letter yet and it's Ley's 11th birthday. I arrive and the table is _covered_ in presents. I look at Ley and Harry and Harry is cooking bacon and Ley is waiting for him. Ley isn't a dick now so the relationship between them is like actual cousins now. We’re going to the zoo today and I don't know what to do about Bob. Y’know, Bob? That snake that got released in the first book? That one. The car ride goes fine I guess, but then we get to canon fucking dialogue. I zone in suddenly when Vernon is screaming about how ‘MOTORBIKES DON'T FLY!’. Harry then says ‘i know they don't, it was only a dream’.

It’s neat that some things don't change.

I say quietly to the boys ‘it would be cool to have a flying motorbike, wouldn't it? At least then the only danger would be towards yourself’. And we have a small discussion on what you would add to it if you could.

Once we’re at the zoo we get ice cream (chocolate for Ley, salted caramel for Hari and cookies and cream for me), and walk off towards the hippos. Soon we get to the reptile house and I pull Ley and Harry away from the parents. It's always been a kinda accepted thing that Hari and I can talk to snakes. Gasp! What if I taught Ley how to speak to snakes? That would be neat.

‘Guys lets go find a boa constrictor!’.

The boys nod enthusiastically and we speed off. Soon we find it and I am _excited_. 

It's a _big_ fuck-off snake, like _huge_! Every time I see a snake I just wanna touch it to remind myself of the texture. I **observe**. 

**Bob LV:6**

**Age: 7 (27 in comparison to humans)**

**Str: 25**

**Con: 11**

**Dex: 8**

**Int: 8**

**Wis: 5**

**Luck:5**

**It's part runespoor which means it has eyelids and is larger than typical male constrictors.**

Huh. I didn't expect their actual name to be Bob. Do I have control over this world?

‘ _Hi, what's your name?’_

‘ _Hey little fella, call me Bob. What's up?’_ Harry has gotten way more confident since we were three and he’s wonderfully sassy sometimes.

‘ _We’re here for my cousins birthday_ ’

‘ _Ah,_ two _speakers! That's rare, any chance your cousin speaks too?_ ’

‘ _No, I don't know why we can though_ ’ 

‘ _Maybe we could maybe teach him though, got any teaching tips, Bob?’_

_‘I've got a feeling it'll be hard’_

We giggle for a bit then everything freezes. I am immediately fuckin confused because I don’t think there's a spell for this. Then Bob kinda leans up? It's hard to explain with a snake body but basically, Bob was lying down on his front looking at us and now he's gotten up. Or if you put your arm out horizontally then made your forearm go vertical but his head is your hand. Like that. 

**_‘Alex King. We have a quest for you. If you do not take the quest, you will miss out on the rewards. The quest is as such. Free Bob from the zoo and you shall receive a strife deck.’_ **

_‘Like homestuck? Like a wandkind, swordkind whatever?’_

**_‘Yes’_ **

_‘Nerd’_

**_‘You fuckin recognised it, dude. No matter, do you accept?’_ **

Then a quest window pops up. It gives a little more information anyway, like telling me that once I complete the quest I'll get a crafting recipe for making them. Also reminding me that wands are so goddamn inconvenient like it's basically putting a ruler in a pocket, and with women's pockets its even more fucking annoying. I don't know why they didn't just do a quest window in the first place but I think they're just a dramatic fucker. Once I press ‘ **_ACCEPT_ **’ they unpossess Bob and time goes back to normal.

_‘Bob, how do you feel about your time in the zoo’_

_‘Well first off we’ve known each other for about eight minutes, and secondly, I will tell you because I have nothing else to do. I was born here in the zoo, I have learnt that my species came from Brazil and I have wanted to go there since, I was named Bob when a group of students for a school excursion thought that the best name for me was Bob, I am deeply bored, people rapping their knuckles on the glass sucks and I want to get outta here.’_

Man, Bob hates this place.

 _‘Cool. I'll try and get you out of here’_ then Bob and Hari say basically the same thing of ‘ _wait, what? How?_ And ‘ _uh Alex that's illegal and impossible_ ’. 

‘ _What are they gonna do, shoot me? And it's not impossible, just gotta get through the glass then onto the next part of the plan. Cover for me and it'll be fine’_

I look around in case a zoo person is around and notice that Ley is all the way across the room looking at the other reptiles. I run over and speak to him.

‘Hey, Ley, sorry about talking to Bob for so long buuut would you like to pet a snake?’

Hari also runs over and says ‘she’s gonna steal a snake.’ I elbow him and say ‘Snitch. But essentially yes, so are you in?’

Ley thinks for a while and says ‘what will I have to do?’

I've got him.

‘Just stand in front of me and don't move till I say so’ he nods and we walk back across the room. Once he's over there he turns around with his back to the glass and crosses his arms like a bouncer. Harry does the same thing but he doesn't have the same size so he looks like a nine-year-old impersonating a teenager. I realize I don't know _exactly_ what to do, so I say to them ‘this may sound a bit dumb but it'll probably work’, and I just start saying ‘Vanish, vanishment, go away, fuck off’ and a lot of synonyms of those while cupping a bit of glass wall. 

**Hoping for the best spell created!**

Well, that's good, it's working at least, but the hole is only like ten centimetres big and my **MP** is almost empty _,_ but that's probably big enough.

‘ _Bob, put your head near the hole so I can reach you’_

_‘Okay kid’_

_‘Now don't freak out’_

_‘??’_

‘ **Create I.D** ’. And we pop out where there's no people, no glass and also no zoo. 

_You did it, kid! Good job! I don't know how you did it but you did.’_ he seems like a happy but confused snake.

‘ _I have a power where I can create alternate dimensions and this is an animal space. There are no animals but it's a good habitat. I'll be back soon so explore!’_

He seems happy and goes off into the jungle after kinda running his body across my legs like a cat.

I pop back and say ‘Mission successful, fellas.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a wand from like my tenth birthday and on Halloween, I just carried it around in a hoodie and I had nowhere to put it, but I like the strife deck thing from this https://archiveofourown.org/works/25502050/chapters/61867522  
> Also! im on new meds so maybe ill write more. no promises.


End file.
